My Pain is Self Chosen

Hello Old friend has it really been 5 months? Seems when the tinnitus in my ears is not driving me insane( Thanks Uncle Sam) the pressure just weighs heavily on my shoulders.

Pressure of what? That's what I want to know, bills paid, everyone's healthy, well physically anyway, there have been some doubts about the mental health of many of some, myself included, for quite some time, but then what exactly is sanity? Because I can't seem to get a grasp on what normal looks like.

 Is it the recent college graduate who decides to backpack across Europe or take a job well beyond what their earnings potential based on their education? Who lives with less even to the point of struggling because they just have no interest in the "corporate lifestyle".

 Is it the driven individual who goes straight through college knowing what they want to be, to live the American dream with the white picket fence the SUV and 2.5 kids?

 The high school athlete who decides to serve his country and comes back with no legs?

 The terrorist who straps bombs to his body and blows himself up in a square so he can find those elusive 72 virgins.

 I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. I've talked about it here before, the order of the world leans toward chaos. And no amount of spreadsheets or fucking sticky notes is ever going to change that.

 Because what is normal or sane to you and I may seem chaotic or insane to a person in India, Kenya, Tegucigalpa or Haiti.

 For those out there who have never left their small town in Kansas, I've got news for you, the world, while beautiful, is a scary place that is way different than what we experience here. Shit, there are places here that are way different than what most people experience daily.

 So, this pressure I feel is this called responsibility? To ensure I get paid, and everyone is taken care of, to ensure I'm not part of the chaos? Who knows...

 I just know that like that cinematic master piece "Hustle and Flow" says.. "its hard out here for a pimp, when ya' trying to get money for the rent".

 Bottom line, as we approach the anniversary of my dads passing, I have not done what I said I was going to do at his funeral. I've chosen some form of mental self flagellation about how I'm doing on some Ward Cleaver scale of normalcy. WHEN what I said I was going to do was to enjoy and embrace more moments because they are, after all, fleeting...Our time on this earth is short. If your not having fun, then it's been said your doing it all wrong. Time to fix that...

 Jurena - Out